So what do you do when you are a control freak and life-changing events are beyond your control?
If you are me, you have a few weeks filled with angst. Cry it out a few times. Think of every possible outcome, both good and bad. Cry it out some more. Over-analyze everything. Have one particularly bad day of crying and then come to the conclusion of, “This is out of my control. I have to move on and let things happen or else I’m going to be a puffy-faced mess for the rest of my life.”
Welcome to the last month of my life. There has been so much I wanted to write about but haven’t. We are a blog of two working mothers so it seemed logical that I should write about what is going when it pertains to work changes. But the thing is, so much was up in the air that I wanted to wait until there was a conclusion for fear of putting too much out there. Well, I don’t think there is going to be a conclusion for awhile so here goes:
The husband got a new job. It is a wonderful, exciting opportunity for him. For those of you who don’t know, we are both journalists. We have worked in the same newsroom for the past seven years with the exception of a six-month period. It’s worked for us. We have built good careers and have been successful.
However, the husband has always wanted to work for a different newspaper. When the opportunity came, he interviewed and got the job. It’s a place where I would like to work, too, but that would require walking away from a company that has invested in me, that made me a manager at 25, that has allowed to grow and be responsible for things before many other places would. I have a good future here.
Here’s the crux of the problem: The newspaper where I work now is not in an area where we want to raise our girls. It’s not a bad area just not where either of us thought we’d be for the rest of our life together. The different newspaper (where the husband is now) is exactly where we want to be, but could require a career shift on my part.
So. Family or career?
For now, we are trying to balance both. The husband is driving about 50 miles one way to work each day and I’m driving about 30 in the complete opposite. The girls stay in the town where we live.
It isn’t easy.
I still don’t work until noon, leaving me a single parent in the mornings and the husband a single parent at night, something we’ve been doing for 18 months. It is wearing on both of us but we don’t know of an alternative right now.
Staying where I am means I continue on a good career path (provided I continue to work hard, do what is necessary, etc.) Going to where the husband is (whenever there is an opening and if I am hired for it) could mean more odd hours, weekend work and taking a detour in my career BUT also means living in a place where we have always wanted to live AND being closer to family (like 10 minutes from my parents) AND could lead to more opportunities (but that is unknown).
These are not decisions to take lightly. The husband wants me to do what I think is best, even if that means I stay put. He’s been very supportive.
Up until now, I don’t think I’ve had a harder life decision to make. Deciding where to go to college? No problem. Deciding to marry my husband? Probably the easiest. Deciding to have children? Jumped in with two feet.
But this? I just don’t know. I feel selfish if I decide to stay. I feel anxious if I go.
Stay tuned …
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7 comments:
I totally understand! The husband and I are also in a period of transition -- trying to sell our house, awaiting a second child, looking at new houses, thinking about getting a new car, all while thinking that if the right opportunity came up for Joe in another city (preferably in Ohio), we'd take it. I'm a teacher -- I can go anywhere.
But I don't think about it. I go day by day. If we have to live in this tiny house with two small children, so be it. To me, home is where we all are, not some nostalgic view of my hometown or our families.
I heard once that we should avoid loving the things that can't love us back. This is sort of how I look at employers. Yes, many of them push us and reward us and provide us promising futures. But in the end, when the budgets are tight and bosses have to make cuts, we are numbers, not people. We get pay cuts, fired, laid off, or whatever ... and the individuals may care, but the company sure doesn't.
Whatever your decision, you will make it work. I personally don't envy your commute. You are a smart, capable woman. Your career will blossom in a new city because you are good!
So I think, in the end, family will win.
Sorry, I have no authroity to advise in this situation. That's a lot of miles though...for both of you! I will only say stay put for the time being. Hopefully the answer will become clear in the near future. If not, schedule a night without the kids that you and your husband can talk deeply about the pros and cons of each scenario. Good luck on your decision!
So hard!! I hope you guys can come to a solution that brings you peace, in the long run.
Life decions are so dilemma-y and it's haarrrrd to know what's right.
So hard.
I hope it becomes clearer for you what path is best for you and for your fam.
(My Captcha word was "expat." So maybe that's a sign that you need to move to Europe?)
I don't think I have any good "advice" to give except that the right answer, even if it's a tough answer, will show up one day. Maybe that will be through a change at your current employer that will give you the push to leave. Or maybe that will be the perfect position opening up at your husband's new employer at the exact right moment. Or maybe it will just be one random day when you wake up and decide "this is what is best for us/me" and make it happen.
However it works out, I hope you find the best solution for your family and feel some peace soon.
I've been looking at some career vs. family decisions myself. I tend to lean towards family because it's a higher priority for me. It's tough though.
I feel ya. He works nights, I work swings/weekends. It's hard to be a single, married, working parent. We're also to the point where we want to move, but we don't know where yet and we don't have jobs waiting in new places. Just take it day by day and try to not stress about things which you can't control right now. And if it helps, do you think your company will worry too much about you if they have to include you on layoffs? That's kind of how I see my job anymore... they couldn't care less once I'm out the door, so I don't really consider them much in my future, even though I've been here 10 years (1/3 of my life). Good luck, it's hard but as they say, it's just a phase.
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