Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Do we all feel this way?

Amy posed a question over on Facebook in reference to the earlier blog post "Can we have it all?"

In it, she brought up another very important question that I think if we all answered honestly, the answer would be YES!

Here's what Amy, who was told at 18 that she wouldn't be able to have children and now has a 1-year-old son, had to say:

I love my job and being a teacher allows for a great parent schedule. I think it's a good balance because I work and I do get time off with my son on all the major holidays and summers. I can't lie, though, that those of you that wanted children and longed to be mothers, I envy you. I think I just accepted I would never be a mother. This job is the most difficult job I've ever had. I am terrified that I will somehow mess him up. I feel like I'm fumbling through this. I have great support with my family and his father is definitely involved, but I'm still clueless after nearly a year.
Do we all feel this way?


Everyone together now: YES!

I wanted children. Always knew that at some point in my life I would have children. I prepared and started to read all the pregnancy books even before I was pregnant.

I still feel like I'm fumbling.

I have such a fear that we will all be in such a hurry in the mornings that Peanut will be left in the car while we go to work. I get everything I can done the night before - packing lunches, diaper bags, making bottles, getting coffee set, laying out clothes. Anything I can get done to make the morning run a little smoother. And still, the few mornings I take Peanut to the sitter feel hectic to me.

I had to stop reading the week-by-week book because I was freaking out that she wasn't meeting every milestone. I was driving myself crazy when the book said she should be crawling around with ease and my little Peanut was showing no interest in being mobile. I still have this little paranoid fear inside of me right now because she can't clap and doesn't do "SOOOO big!" I know she's fine. She does dozens of other things but still, there is the nagging in my head that makes me try to get her to clap every chance I can.

Being a parent is the easiest and the hardest job to do. Easy because how can you not love that little person? Hard because, well, of the mind-numbing, crushing responsibility of that little person depending on you for everything.

That is part of the reason Hillary and I started this blog. We both needed to know that others felt the same way that we do but we also wanted to start a dialogue like this so that other mothers don't feel alone.

I just try not to get bogged down in the worry of it. I try to take time to actually enjoy Peanut sitting with me and not trying to crawl away. I enjoy teaching her new things. I relish in the little moments when it's just us and she looks at me with a gummy grin and leans in for an unprovoked kiss.

So, mothers of the web, tell us: Do we all feel this way? How do you cope with it?

1 comment:

k said...

I realized awhile ago that I was getting too caught up in the "to do's" after work. Must wash bottles, make bottles, make dinner, go to the bathroom or bladder will explore, clean up kitchen, etc. Before I knew it, E's bedtime was there and he was out.

Was this how I wanted him to know his time with me?

Was this how I wanted to spend my precious time with him after work?

No.

So, I don't do those things now (other than using the bathroom and making dinner). My time after work is focused all on him. And sure this makes my time once he's in bed more hectic, but I want him to know that during the busy week--that he is more important to me than a clean kitchen.