We are supposed to find something extraordinary about ourselves, something sexy that we might not always see.
So here goes.
Trying to figure out what I was going to write has taken me a long time. I've accepted the fact that I will probably never wear a size 4. I've accepted that I will probably always have large breasts (even when I'm not breastfeeding) and that I will always have curves. I am not and will not be sexy like the women in magazines.
But that doesn't mean I'm not sexy. I've realized that there is more to being sexy and extraordinary than a tag in my pants. I am (mostly) comfortable with who I am. I am more confident than ever and motherhood has helped me gain that confidence.
I am a full-time working mother who is successfully managing to raise a child, have a great relationship with my husband and continue with a decent career. I breastfed for a year, lost all my pregnancy weight and then some, I'm writing more than I've ever done and still reading regularly. I haven't lost who I am but become a better version of myself.
Have I bemoaned decisions? Second guessed myself? Um, yes. Almost daily.
But something changed around the time Peanut turned a year old. Things got easier. Maybe it's where she is developmentally. Maybe I just got the hang of things. Whatever it is, I don't think I've ever felt this good about my life and about who I am.
I can do this. And that is something that makes me feel extraordinary.
I love this picture. I love the colors and the circles within circles. I love The Boy's fat little baby belly. But I love this picture because I look glamorous in it. I'm curled up like I always sit. I don't think I'd even showered yet that day. I threw on that bathing suit and big floppy hat so I could play in my drought-parched yard and splash in a cheap pool with my son, and still, somehow, I look glamorous.
What I didn't know -- but suspected -- when this picture was taken is that The Lad already was in residence in my belly. So, here I am in this picture, just a mother with her children, but I look and feel better than I have in my adult life. I've often said, or been told, my smile or my eyes are my best feature. But you can look at this picture, where both are hidden, and still see an attractive woman. I like how long my legs look and how sharp my shoulders are.
I was more than ready to leave high school when I left. I was so anxious to get out of college, I finagled my schedule and graduated a quarter early. I longed to live with The Husband, get married, have a baby well before we did any of those things. Partly, I'm just an impatient person. But also, I'm an optimist. I always feel like there's something good, maybe even better, ahead of me. I still feel like that, however, for the first time in my life, I'm content in my own skin, in my own life.
I'll be a mess later this week when I have to look for a new daycare for The Boy -- long story -- while I'm dealing with a deadline and another big project at work. In a few months, the post-partum hormones will probably knock me on my ass. But, eh, whatever. I have a floppy hat and a baby pool. I can be glamorous.