"God you're getting big!" JR (yes, really his name -- and he comes complete with a barbed wire tattoo around his beefy arm and thick gold chains around his neck) hollered at me. "Must be twins."
I laughed, gritting my teeth and yanking up a plant. "Better not be."
"You shouldn't be doing that," JR said, strutting across the road and up my driveway. "You're pregnant. What are you doing?"
"It's fine," I said, tugging up another one and thinking about how his pregnant daughter used to smoke cigarettes on their porch. "They're half-dead. We're putting in more ferns."
"What are you putting in there?" JR said, talking over me.
"Ferns."
"OH, those are snake plants. They attract snakes. You don't want the babies to get hurt."
"We haven't seen any snakes yet in the ones over there. They'll be fine, but we'll keep an eye out."
"I'm just saying --- they attract snakes." JR continued for several minutes with a saga about killing a water moccasin and advice about my ferns. As if I'm going to take landscaping advice from a man who pulled out all his trees because the roots might hurt his sprinkler system.
I'll spare you the details, but in the course of a 20-minute conversation -- no, monologue on his part -- this man assured me snakes would kill my babies, armadillos would attack us, rabid raccoons would surely be attracted to our garbage, which we put out the night before trash day, either I or my husband would lose our jobs if we dared spend any money in this economy and the "losers" who live on the road behind us all have police records.
Oh, but I'll be glad to know the house next to his has been rented again and, JR whispered, the guy isn't black.
SIGH. Sometimes. Some people. There are no words.
At that point, I assured JR our dinner was burning and The Boy and I had to go.
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4 comments:
Sweet Jesus. I'm thinking the woman I work with and this character should live next to each other.
Also, I find those that go by just initials to be kind of suspicious. Like, dude!, where's your whole name?
i would be terribly annoyed as well; you control yourself so well! BUT i would be freaking out about the snakes, even if it is just BS. he would've had me wrapped around his gold chain at that point...
Yikes. I hope, for your sake, that they move soon - you know, to escape all of the vermin and criminals. Maybe you should plant more ferns...
What a pleasant man you have living in your 'hood! :)
And I was annoyed when I was out with the dog a few weeks ago and our backyard neighbor opened his patio door and shouted at me, "Did you swallow a watermelon?"
No and thank you.
And doesn't he realize you live in Florida? Land O' the crazy wildlife? What does he expect you to do? Remove your grass and foliage and live in the dirt so you can see all the friendly critters?
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