Sunday, April 17, 2011

51 days

I've been lying to you, or to myself. Maybe a little of both.

You know how I keep saying we're done. No more kids. Two's enough. I love being pregnant so much; if we don't stop here, we might never stop. There's a lie in there somewhere. I just don't know where.

Here's what I know:
My cycle, which has been back since The Lad was about 10 months old, typically runs about 37 days between periods. Day 37 was in the last week in March.

The first week, I was ho-hum about its tardiness. Anywhere up to 42 days would be normal.

That mark passed. I took a pregnancy test, but at night. No big thing. I was not pregnant.

Another few days passed. I started to fret. I took another test, this time in the morning. We were not screwing around. (No pun intended.) It decidedly said "not pregnant."

Yet, my period refused to come. I started to get testy. I snapped at the husband. Why hadn't he gotten this taken care of sooner?! I apologized immediately, but said, "What the hell are we going to do with another kid?" (This was right about the time The Beastie had been kicked out of daycare for biting.) The husband looked at me and said, "Well, we'd deal. And we'd get to see The Lad as a big brother." I melted.

Still no period. I started to toss around names. I laughed thinking how having three kids with birthdays surrounding Christmas would make it look like the husband and I only slept in the same bed in March. I wondered what The Lad would say to a little brother or sister.

The next day, 51 days after the last one, my period arrived.

And I was relieved, so relieved the cramps didn't hurt.

At first I was thinking about writing a post saying I had lied: Maybe deep down I really want more kids. But then, I thought about my initial and final reaction. Maybe the lie is that stopping at two is only a practical decision. Two really is enough for me. I don't know.

Do you think you can ever know for sure, really and completely, that you're done having kids? I'm glad to be able to plan my family, but I wonder if this is the kind of choice you just have to make and hope for the best.


d e v a n said...

I wasn't sure how that was going to turn out for awhile. lol
I know for sure that we are done. I'm sure if there was some diving intervention and we DID have another baby, that we would love it as much as it's siblings, but I know without a doubt that we are done. Emotionally and mentally it just made sense. I don't long for babies any more. I still get sad sometimes. My baby is growing so fast! All those firsts - for the last time!
But still, I know it's right.

Sarah said...

Oh my gosh!! I was holding my breath reading that post!! I would love for you to have another child ;)

Despite what logic tells me, I still would want to have another one. I've been very wishy washy since I had Jake. I thought I would have my mind made up one way or another. I waffle back and forth all the time. I keep telling myself that we have to survive Jake's first year and then we'll be in a better frame of mind to decide whether to have another one.

~she~ said...

Wow, I'm kinda bummed. I thought you were with child!

I knew after the first 3 that I was not done. After #4 didn't come when we wanted it, I thought I might be done. Then she came as a surprise. I was scared out of my mind because the timing wasn't right. But that lasted a whole two days. Then I was thrilled. Now I know I'm done. Glad I didn't make the decision too early.

~she~ said...

...and 51 days is crazy! I'm thrilled if I make it 30 days!!!

Sarah said...

I'm at the point right now (emphasis on RIGHT NOW! heh) where I could be done now, and only be a little sad. Like, I'd welcome one or two more eventually, and that IS the plan, but if we had to stop for some reason I think I wouldn't pine terribly long over it. But again, that's what I THINK. And I still have a lap baby right now to comfort me. I might feel desperately sad in another year or two when he's running around being a big boy if for some reason I couldn't get or stay pregnant anymore. So... I guess I'm not THERE the way devan is. I sure hope to be someday! But I know some people never hit that point. My MIL, for instance, always says she wishes she'd had four.

Eve said...

We never really know, do we? And I think that's part of the beauty of life. Your well-written post brought to mind a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke that I love:

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

Erin said...

I know this much: I don't want to be pregnant for a third time, but I could have a huge family full of children other people didn't want or couldn't raise. I've thought seriously about being a foster parent someday, though I don't know if the husband would go for that. :)

And I can't imagine a 51 day cycle. I'm about 28 all the time. And it took being about 8 days late before it dawned on me to take a pregnancy test with this one. Baby #2 was a surprise ... it wasn't even on my radar.