Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Do you have friends?

This is a potentially embarrassing or potential bonding opportunity kind of post. I've been kicking around writing this for months so here goes ...

Do you have friends? I ask because my husband mocks me for not having any. To which I say, not true. I have Hillary. He says she doesn't count because she lives in Florida. I then list two or three other women that live in town and he asks when I last spent time with them. Usually it has been an embarrassingly long time. Like months. And when we do get together, it involves kids.

Sometimes I feel bad about this but most of the time I'm too tired or busy to notice. Between work, a house, two kids, the husband and our family to whom we are close and spend many weekends with, I don't have a lot of extra time. And with that extra time I do have, I like to be alone. Spending quiet time.

I actually have two girls trips (defined as away from the husband and the girls) planned for this year, one to my alma mater and another to The Blathering in New Orleans (someone please remind me to go register soon.) Other than that, nothing.

I wouldn't mind connecting with a mom or two at preschool but I already don't have much time for my friends now so what's the point? When I need to talk about something, I talk to the husband, my sister, my parents or Hillary. When I do have time, I try to spend it with the moms in the area or with family.

Do you have a lot of people you consider friends? Do you hang out a lot? Talk on the phone?

If not, do you feel like something is missing in your life?

21 comments:

Jessica said...

Hehe, I've always thought you had me beat because you talk to Hillary all the time and I have ZERO phone friends. Or general hang-out friends. I ne.ver. take the kids and go to someone's house (unless you count my mom).

I have internet friends. I have MOPS friends. I'm actually on the MOPS steering team this year, and we've had two family get togethers which made me feel wildly popular. My family! Invited to a party! But I'm just not a 'lets hang out' kind of person and we've never moved beyond agenda-focused meetings or the-whole-family-is-invited Christmas parties.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I am actively working on having friends. Since I don't work in an office, I would never talk to any other adults if I didn't actively seek them out. So I joined two moms clubs and I am putting in a lot of effort to weed through all the women and find out which ones I want to be true friends with. I've found a good two so far.

I also have internet friends that are very true friends.

Cupcake Mama said...

I abhor/hate/despise talking on the phone which really hampers friendships and relationships. I love hanging out but it is usually with kids which is fine with me. My perfect friend thing is drinking wine and talking so really everyone in a bar could be considered my friend.

Kate said...

I had great friends, and then we moved. Now we're in a small town, I work from home, and know...well, no one. I mean, I "know" people from Junior League, but nothing there's close to being a friendship yet. I am trying, but man, it is hard to make new friends as an adult.

I am thankful for my internet friends, though. I would not be getting through this pregnancy without them, that's for sure.

Erin said...

I could have written that post myself. We have some couple friends. I have co-workers I consider friends, though we don't hang out. I know a mom who's got two kids both three months older than mine, and we get together monthly or so. But my very best friends are spread all over the country.

Personally, I don't know when I'd find time to go out. There's just too many schedule conflicts. I think the best I can hope for are friends who have kids so we can talk/drink/bitch/laugh while the kids entertain themselves.

Elsha said...

Yeah, I pretty much have no friends. I belong to a couple book clubs so I see those ladies each once a month, but most of them are my mom's age. There are a couple people I could call if I wanted to hang out with "the girls" but I rarely do. In fact, I often feel awkward because I'll run into the girls I know from church and they'll be out together and I'll be with my mom. But in all honesty I mostly prefer the company of my mom to those girls so...

Other than that I have my internet friends (who, thanks to twitter I talk to all the time.) And if I want to call someone I'll call one of my sisters.

Two Braids said...

I think you have now realized a lot of us are in the same boat! I have 8 very close girlfriends. I can call any of them at any time about anything but they are all scattered across the midwest and I only see two of them on a regular basis. The girls I went to college with and roomed with all make a point to have a girls weekend at least once a year. I long for the day we are all back in the same state! I don't have any friends that I hang out with on a more frequent basis. My close work friend is single and lives a lot closer to where we work so we don't hang out very much outside of work. My neighbor across the street is a working mom, married, three kids and we are becoming closer and our families hang out often. I do wish I had other friends that lived closer to me so I could just have one on one friend time but that's not in the cards right now.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Love this post!

I have a few good friends here, but we've only lived here for 2.5 years and it think it takes quite awhile to build up real friendships, especially at this time of life when we're all so busy and want to spend time with our kids on weekends.

The one things we've done recently is cultivated our friendship with a childless couple we know. They are great, our age, like kids but they aren't constrained by their own kids schedules so they can come over after we put our kids to bed, share a bottle of wine, play a board game and it's very relaxed and fun! I highly recommend it!

Shari said...

I have a good work friend, one phone friend, and some facebook friends, but other than that, not much. We have a few other couples that we get together with from time to time, but 75% of those are my husband's friends and I would never call the woman up to talk or go shop or anything. "never" mostly because I am awkward and awful at making and keeping friends. My husband is much, much better at it but so far he has refused to make my friends for me. The nerve!

~she~ said...

I've had friends come and go. When they've gone, I have felt a huge loss, a sadness of sorts. I recently made a new friend and we have had so much fun hanging out. We'll meet for lunch from time to time or a quick shopping trip at Target. Our husbands get along well and we've all been out together. The 8 kids between us is a hinderance but we still enjoy time together. Most of my friends are people I text regularaly and see occasionally. But yeah, right now, I have friends. As a working mom, it's really difficult to find time for friends. Your husband and kids are your most important job.

Mrs. Irritation said...

I hate the phone. Hate it.

I have friends in our neighbors, which is great and they're lovely, but I don't have friends with kids the same age as mine. We've lived here 3.5 years and I often joke that I live in Stepford, but it's true. I am not the same as most of these people and they are not for me. So I tend to stay to myself, enjoy my husband, and love the hell out of my online/out of town friends.

Erica said...

Super interesting to read this and all the comments. I never know what to do about the friend thing. I have lots and sometimes I think too much - lots in different buckets. Friends at work, sorority friends, old friends, birth class friends, bloggy friends - none seem to mix and it can be a lot of juggling. I've actually been toning the whole friend thing down over the years because I agree with everyone here - your kids and husband should be your first focus. I've found that I have a lot of friends, yes, but I've done a lot of the work in all of those relationships over the years. So I'm slowly letting go of a lot of it and keeping the ones that give back to me too. Selfish yes, but as the years go by, I have to be more careful about my time.

d e v a n said...

I have a decent sized group of people that I consider friends, and a few that I consider GOOD/GREAT friends. I felt very lost before I found them!
I've made almost all my friends through a local meetup.com group.

k said...

I have friends but aside from our monthly dinners, I am a loser pants and rarely see them. Thankfully, they also all work full-time and/or have children so it's not too much of a hardship.

I have a close friend who moved away and we make phone dates to chat.

And then I have a few friends that we text a lot to share tidbits.

Erica said...

I don't have phone friends...I'm terrible at keeping in touch with anyone. I have 2 hometown and one college friend. Moms group / book club / bunco acquaintances. One good friend who I see pretty often and text/email but don't call. Internet friends are new for me and I feel like I've been missing out.

Sara said...

I think I'm probably in the same boat as Erica. By sheer number, I have quite a few friends BUT they're all from completely different areas of my life...college, work, mom friends, internet friends. I end up making one on one plans with most of them since very few overlap, if at all.

However, since adding another small person to our family I am finding that I have almost zero time for anyone outside of our foursome (except for grandparents). It makes me a little squirmy to feel so out of touch with friends' lives and catching up on FB just isn't the same.

GO REGISTER FOR THE BLATHERING WOMAN. I'm going and would LOVE to see you there!

Laura said...

My best friend (from college) now also lives in the DC area and I thank my lucky stars I can see her regularly (a few times a month--she has kids and I don't, yet, so I tend to go to her, which I don't mind.) But she really makes an effort to meet me for things like brunch w/ out her kids, too, and I value that so much.

I'm in close touch (via e-mail and phone ) with another three college friends and we do a girls' trip once a year. Locally, my other close female friends are 2 women (one single, one coupled but childless)--they tend to be able to make the effort to get together more. This doesn't mean I don't value my friends w/ kids--I just know I'll see them less frequently. And this is all fluid--these relationships are always evolving/changing and I think that's ok. I am definitely more of a quality over quantity person when it comes to friends.

Laura Diniwilk said...

Funny that you ask, because I just admitted in my stupid year end survey thingie that I haven't had a best friend since 2005, and I've been really missing that lately. I have friends at work, lots of people to go to lunch with, but only a couple of lady friends I hang out with outside work. I'm trying to branch out via book club, the Blathering, and the internets though. And I see you live in Ohio too! Whereabouts?

lifeofadoctorswife said...

I don't really have any friends. One from high school, who lives thousands of miles away. A few old friends that I rarely see or talk to.

But I'm trying to be better! I joined a book club and the Junior League and I am trying to Put Myself Out There with wives of my husband's colleagues. But it's hard, man!

Jennifer said...

I feel the SAME WAY. I have just one or two friends nearby that I see regularly in person, but other than that, everyone lives over an hour away or in the computer ;) And that SUCKS sometimes. I need a neighbor-friend I can just drop by and visit, you know?

Julie said...

Yes, this hit home with me. I have been thinking about this a lot recently particularly since Jackson was born. I just feel like I have no time anymore. A lot of that has to do with Chris's crazy schedule and the mad rush we always seem to be in. Sure, I have friends. Do we talk, text, hang out? No. Would I like to? Sure. I have great intentions every time I tell someone we should get together. But the truth is I know it won't happen because our schedules just won't line up and I can't afford a babysitter just for some girl time. As much as I love them, I do desperately need some time away from my boys though.